There is a memory deep
within the years of my heart
of when we walked down to the lake.
You in your blue sun hat
and a matching summer dress-
that played with the waves
around your ankles.
You imagined yourself
as a blue jay-
while I sat quietly
by the picnic table
singing a soft song
to the sky you so admired.
I am a bird! you screamed
your fragile arm-span bursting open
and then you swooped down
through the branches
with fiery excitement at your wing-tips!
A life-time later
and that is the only dream
I have ever remembered.
Interesting contrast in the juxtaposition of the two stanzas: the first is very active and full of fire and emotion, while the second is gentle and offers calming imagery of summer, a pleasant sky, the lake, etc. For me this is tht poem's greatest strength. The storm and the calm; the former making the latter more blissful and eliciting more pleasant emotion from the reader. What's sad about it is that the calm came before the storm.
ReplyDeleteThis is where it gets cooking -
with fiery excitement at our wing-tips,
and that was the only dream
I have ever remembered.
and then imagining the Other (that second person of the Narrative) being a blue jay), finally closing on a beautifully gentle and easy couple of lines -
singing a soft song
to the sky you so admired.
wonder alliteration there. The distant rhyme of scream/dreamed also effective aural device here.
My main issue here is the opening two lines - 'I wish I could fly like a bird' is very well-worn a phrase and I feel the piece would be stronger of you could find another way of expressing this sentiment. Also there are a lot of personal pronouns ('I') and other pronouns/possessive adjectives you/we/your etc). Too many pronouns can clutter and more crucially make a Narrative feel very personal to the narrator/poet, often making it less accessible. Pronouns at beginnings of lines in particular are easy to strip and in modern English usage we often do anyway.
for example (suggestions only, of course :)
[I] wish I could fly
like a bird, you screamed,
and then we swooped through the branches
with fiery excitement at our wing-tips,
and that was the only dream
I have ever remembered.
Earlier that day
we walked down to the lake.
You wore your blue sun hat
and a matching summer dress
that played with the waves
around your ankles.
[I] imagined you were
a blue jay-
[as I] sitting quietly by myself
at the picnic table,
singing a soft song
to the sky you so admired.
This is a fine piece; I find it almost haunting. Thanks for linking up
great comments thanks so much. You hit on a couple issues I've been having with this piece, being the over use of pronouns. So this give me the extra push to try playing with the point of view. Also the clicheness of the first stanza, the two stanzas at times seemed like two different poems. So I will have to work on drawing a better linking thread through the piece. Its good to have fresh eyes.
ReplyDeleteluke gave some solid crit there...pronouns, the, as...i try to strip as many as i can get away with...the piece i put in i did not do as great a job with it...but i think you have something solid to work with here...
ReplyDeleteActually I thought having two stanzas and the strong difference worked well, especially that the storm came after the calm in sequence. That gave an extra emotional kick in the gut for the reader. It seems a whole different poem now. You're the poet here, of course; but I merely meant that the opening phrasing was cliched and some pronouns could be stripped. either way its good. Just didn't want you to misunderstand me
ReplyDeletei enjoyed reading your post as well as the comments from Luke ...
ReplyDeletei am learning too~